I've always been thinking, if I was mature enough in the past and choose to further my studies overseas, would I have a different lifestyle? Would I have a better profession? Teaching is good. It's just not good enough. Or even a better partner? Someone who is not that oriental minded maybe? Would my perspectives and priorities in life change?
Honestly speaking, I'm regretting the childish decisions I made when I was much younger, thinking that LOVE is all I need to be contained and to survive. I know this regret comes too late. I don't know if it's selfish to start studying now instead of working hard to provide for the family. I'm not sure, too, if leaving my husband behind to study abroad is something too selfish and too much to ask.
I blamed my mom as I ponder upon this issue a few days back. The mind set that she gave me, telling me that I'm such a pathetic fat girl witg bad hot temper will eventually end up living alone for the rest of my life, scares me for the lingest time. And so when I started my relationship with my husband, I hold on so hard and cried myself through all the fight we've been through.
But now, 25 and married, I suddenly have nothing to look forward to. My friends are not all married yet. I certainly do not want to have a child soon as we're still financially unstable. But the sense of discomfort is all gone. And I'm quite surprised of how unwilling I am to stay long in this comfort zone.
My dad is still longing for me to puck up something and get a diploma someday. But I don't know. I don't know what's the right thing to do.
Oh life.
No comments:
Post a Comment